"there aren't any cabs so we have to take car service home"

the title of this post epitomizes my summer in NY...ok actually that happened once and Big Apple cars dropped me at my place downtown before taking my friend home to Brooklyn and it only really happened because we were in meatpacking (god help me) on a Friday night and needless to say weren't aggressive enough to box out the weekend crowd for a cab. so the story's not that funny, but it kind of sums up where I am right now...very in between?

Let me tell you something about myself: I dwell on things. A lot. My friend told me the word for this is "perseverate" but I think that's a malapropism. Ok enough GRE vocab on this blog. Anyways, I get hung up on things easily...shit I didn't do, buy, see, and most importantly GUYS I either almost or didn't fuck and wish I did. Add to that guys I went out with and liked but couldn't pin down for a second date. I mean, what guy wants to buy "He's just not that into you" at Barnes and Noble while your dad waits outside in the car? Fucked up.

So my latest thing to dwell on is this guy...let's call him B. We met on Grindr a few weeks ago and started chatting. I didn't think anything about it really until he sent pics. He was good looking enough with a great body. He said he went to my school but I was skeptical--could there really be such a hot guy lurking out of my sights? So I did what any nosy asshole would do and introduced myself. That's right, I gave out my name, which is generic enough (and I don't give a fuck, I'm out) so that I'd still be semi anonymous. Sure enough he responded with his.

About 3 minutes later, jackpot--found this dude on FB--but that quickly turned to angst when I realized who he was and how many friends we had in common. And then I got kinda sad, that such a good looking chill guy was on the DL because he was in ____ frat and on ____team.

But mainly I wanted to fuck him. So of course yours truly puts off meeting up for two days til Thursday when I was done with class for the week and could actually worry about, you know, sex. I ran around like an idiot getting TWO kinds of condoms and lube and some beers in the kind of euphoric, anxious mood we all get in when we know (or think) we are getting some.

Cut to the chase...he wasn't online that night. OR for the next nine days. It felt like blue balls in perpetuity. Finally, on a sunday earlier this month, he was back. I we quickly started chatting and decided he would come over. From our talks, it seemed like he knew what he was doing...a top (duh, aren't all the athletes?) and asked if i had supplies, when I was tested, etc etc.

So he comes over...and I get awkward. I ended a year long relationship this summer and have still be residually messed up over that, plus I felt weird having this kid here and knowing who he was. I was down to chill out and watch tv or something but he immediately takes off his hoodie and shoes and sits on the bed. We briefly briefly make small talk and next thing he's kissing me and taking off my shirt.

Red flag numero uno--BAD, bad kisser. It was like my fucking pug was nibbling my face or something. I tried to give a little tongue but it felt like trying to open an elevator door with a spatula (ie, not happening). Then we start undressing and my brain is telling me to put my foot down but suddenly...

we were naked and his dick was in my mouth. Ok, I guess I can deal, I thought. He shoved me back on the bed and started kissing me again and like dry humping me (uh alright). Then he asks me If I'm OK. "

"Yeah," I reply. And he does this little reach around manouver with his hand trying to get me hard...but I'm not into it since it's been all of 7 minutes AND he's treating my dick like it's a piece of taffy. He asks AGAIN if I'm OK...I reply yes and ask why, he says I looked pained. (NO FUCKING WAY!) So I say some BS about not having done this in a while (oh well there was that orgy in NY...another post for that).

I ask HIM if he's ok and he says he's having second thoughts. That it's not me, hookups weird him out, etc. He gets dressed, apologizes, and bounces. After getting dressed and pacing anxiously I check my phone--he blocked me on Grindr! I guess it made sense given that he must have been mortified.

So after a weird day, I resolve to get over it. Clearly he has issues even though he seemed into me, though it still felt like a blow to my self esteem. I went to LA the next weekend and took some E and suddenly my life was perfect!

Well, it's been 3 weeks now and still bothering me. In a Vyvanse-enabled trance for midterms, I posted an ad on Craigslist looking to see if he was out there. Sure enough he replied BUT...killer catch...he didn't think he was the guy I was looking for.

So I replied nicely...and still no response. He is clearly still looking for random hookups given that he has a fake email for CL ads AND just created a manhunt profile (where he says he's looking for dating among other things...huh?) And yours truly doesn't have a response. Did he want a handwritten note, cause my stationary is kinda expensive.

That's where we stand now...what say you (all zero readers)? Am I a total whackjob, or does this kid have problems? I'm not a therapist but I definitely am horny. And this campus is in a constant drought of hot guys.

Sorry this was so long...another issue--I can go on and on and on...so SKIM if you're the illiterate type who just wants pics of hot guys.