great expectations

I just had a birthday, which always gets me in a weird state of mind. I had a great time with my family and friends back east, but couldn't help but feel a little sad. I definitely grew up a lot more in the past year, and while I still am young, I can feel myself slipping deeper into my twenties, and all the things that come with that.

My parents didn't bring it up at all, but I could tell they

wondered if I was seeing anyone. This time last year I had a boyfriend. Now I'm solo, and the last date I went on was with a guy at a very well known West Village bar/restaurant in late August. We both had a good time, but I was leaving for school again soon and he was pretty busy (and not in the 'I'm just not that into you' kinda way).

Before I came out, my parents--mom especially--asked me incessantly about what type of girl I liked and when I saw myself getting married. We used to go back and forth over my girl friends, discussing who was worth dating and who wasn't. Maybe it was all a test to see if I was gay, but I didn't know. And I still kind of don't. I've only been out for a little over a year (which feels like forever) and dated one person. So I guess I'm still figuring that out.

And this weekend, as I sat at a Certain West Village Bar known for having attractive, preppy guys, I couldn't find anyone. Not one guy leapt out at me. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong (read: straight places) but I don't think I'll ever meet anyone at David Barton or Eastern Bloc or B Bar that I'm interested in.

Beyond the typical prerequisites (good education, job, takes care of his appearance), it's someone whose sexuality is just one seamless part of their identity. Who can go to the US Open with straight friends but isn't afraid to be seen walking the dog with his boyfriend in Washington Square Park. Someone who wants to come to Maine for the fourth of July and just hang out instead of going to the annual party. Maybe I need to share some inspiration photos so you get the idea?

I'm pretty bad at laying out pics but you get the idea. A little bit of JFK Jr.'s discreet nonchalance (RIP), maybe Paul Newman's looks at his prime, a mix of things. The random guy with the girl...don't know who he is, but if I was 33, I'd probably want to date him. Where's the 24 year old version? And I couldn't help but include the picture of Central Park since it's so beautiful. I think I won't meet anyone worthwhile until I move back to the city in June. So for now, entertaining these fantasies is ok and only mildly depressing.

I guess we all have great expectations. Myself included. Happy autumn.

cold front

sorry for the delay in posting...it's been a crazy week. and speaking of crazy, how weird is the blizzard that hit the Northeast today? I'm all over a good cold temperature though..I don't know if it's because my birthday is in the late fall, or if it's just who I am, but on days when my classmates bitch and moan about the wind and or general grey skies, I'm pretty psyched. There's something that makes you relish being alive as the cold air hits your face, and I find I am always more contemplative when the leaves are whipping around. Don't get me wrong, I love the summer too and get pretty miz in the winter months out here, but fall is really my jam.

and (despite a slew of recent bad midterms) I've actually been doing some contemplating of my own. so that athlete I mentioned in my last post...totally over it. At first when I saw his adam4adam profile, which said "hot (redacted--location of our school) jock, looking for other HOT guys around my age for hookup," I panicked. was I not hot enough? Did I need to do double duty on my already stringent abs routine to meet some set of expectations? Well, I just needed to consider the source. DUH! Adam4adam and websites of that ilk are riddled with unattractive old dudes who incessantly hit you up. I need to stop being so insecure and realize if a guy tells you you are hot and puts his dick in your mouth and kisses you, you are hot.

I also realized even if this guy and I started fucking regularly, nothing would come of it. I'm most certainly headed back east after graduation, and he is from around here. He is not out, I am. And even if he was, is he the type of dude with similar interests/background? who I could take to Mermaid Oyster Bar, Brinkley's, Minetta Tavern, the Rusty Knot? no no and no. Why bother? he was just a hot pornstar fantasy, a total objectification. who doesn't want to get thrown down on the bed by some angsty muscular jock and then get fucked the living daylights out of? it's too bad he was no good at it.

speaking of pornstar fantasies, maybe it's high time I brought up my craziest summer experience...the orgy. That's right, I was part of an orgy. and no, I didn't go for the snacks (ha--there wasn't any food!) before you get all judgy, or hit me up asking how it was...well, I'll tell you.

basically, met this slightly older guy this summer randomly. we hit it off, he said he was very into dates and would I want to go out sometime. sure, I said, but I'm leaving in a month or so for my last year of school. that didn't bother him, so we made plans to meet up. well, said dude cancels our plans day of but hits me up later saying he's horny. begrudgingly I dragged myself over to his place in possibly my least favorite neighborhood to hang out. after 3 hours of the most boring conversation of all time we finally ended up on his bed making out. by this point it was nearing 2 am, so no sex was going to happen. but it was actually a HOT makeout, and we kept stopping and starting and ended with pushing each other up against his wall/door before I finally extracted myself and cabbed home.

the next day we get to texting about sex, since both of us ended the night with major blue balls. kinda weird since I am at work telling someone that no, I don't get into piss, EVER, but whatever. he asks if I've ever done group...I say no, and he says he has done big groups before. Which kinda freaks me out because I am super paranoid about catching something, but we established we were on the same page about safety. so then he asks if i'd be down to do one. I said yes.

cut to wednesday. he is insanely organizes--collecting pics from all the guys, circulating them, and sending emails about the location and who's bringing what. both the other guys were tops--one a HUNG british dude and another a hot new yorker, plus me and this dude. after work, I discreetly leave my office and walk to a seedy part of town where there are tons of "video stores" and the like. my charge was to procure condoms, high quality lube (gun oil>>>astroglide), and poppers which I don't enjoy that much.

As the time approached, I got nervous. What does one wear? how drunk (and or high) do I need to be for this? I consulted with a very close friend, who said I shouldn't feel bad about bailing if I had to. But I decided it was worth a try, at least once, you know? So I showered, drank a bit, got dressed, and went over. The dude I knew came to let me in, and immediately upon entering his place, the british dude was naked and jacking drinking a beer. kinda jarring to get straight down to business, but I shotgunned a beer, got naked, and joined.

we were messing around, making out, jacking and sucking when we progressed to the bed. the dynamic was pretty chill, everyone doing something to everyone, and definitely a voyeuristic element too. we were waiting for the fourth guy to arrive, but I was definitely entertained. me and the other guy took turns making out over the British guy's dick...it was pretty hot.

Then the fourth guy arrived...having been late because his flight was delayed. I repeat, said individual had cabbed from Laguardia to join our little shindig...anyways, he had a super thick cock and I wanted to play with it but he was having trouble getting hard. I kept busy with the british dude anyways, intermittently making out with the dude I knew initially, who kept calling me baby, which I fucking HATE. sorry, but I'm not, never will be, your baby, and secondly, we are four grown dudes participating in an orgy. not the time for cooing sweet nothings in my ear. but it was hot to have him keep coming back to me, I was into him for sure.

finally we proceed to fucking. The british dude started with me, and then the hot NYer fuckinghim...yes, a fuck train. I had to take a huge hit of poppers in order to um, accomodate, the british guy but it happened. unfortunately he got distracted getting fucked himself, came, and pulled out after 10 mins...annoying right? he comes a second time and bounces, leaving me and the other two. I was down to fuck again, but Mr. laguardia was too tired, so we were all kind of writhing on the bed until we shot. I got my stuff, said peace, and went home.

I had fun, and was excited when I left, but then I kind of realized there was emotional fallout. This was right after my breakup, and I was still sensitive. Plus, here was this hot, albeit milquetoast guy, who seemed to want to go out with me, but all he really wanted was to fuck around. Which isn't an issue for me, but man up and say so. Don't play the "I really want to date game" if what you really want is some naked fun. So, yeah, that's my "emotional fallout from the orgy" story. i was (and still slightly am) in a weird place, and don't regret doing it, but find it amusing that such a mysterious sexual event could leave me with psychic burns.

anyways, sorry for the length of this post. maybe i need an intern to edit for me? or to learn to be concise. I'm going to go enjoy Halloween and the cold front, and hope you do too. later dudes

"there aren't any cabs so we have to take car service home"

the title of this post epitomizes my summer in NY...ok actually that happened once and Big Apple cars dropped me at my place downtown before taking my friend home to Brooklyn and it only really happened because we were in meatpacking (god help me) on a Friday night and needless to say weren't aggressive enough to box out the weekend crowd for a cab. so the story's not that funny, but it kind of sums up where I am right now...very in between?

Let me tell you something about myself: I dwell on things. A lot. My friend told me the word for this is "perseverate" but I think that's a malapropism. Ok enough GRE vocab on this blog. Anyways, I get hung up on things easily...shit I didn't do, buy, see, and most importantly GUYS I either almost or didn't fuck and wish I did. Add to that guys I went out with and liked but couldn't pin down for a second date. I mean, what guy wants to buy "He's just not that into you" at Barnes and Noble while your dad waits outside in the car? Fucked up.

So my latest thing to dwell on is this guy...let's call him B. We met on Grindr a few weeks ago and started chatting. I didn't think anything about it really until he sent pics. He was good looking enough with a great body. He said he went to my school but I was skeptical--could there really be such a hot guy lurking out of my sights? So I did what any nosy asshole would do and introduced myself. That's right, I gave out my name, which is generic enough (and I don't give a fuck, I'm out) so that I'd still be semi anonymous. Sure enough he responded with his.

About 3 minutes later, jackpot--found this dude on FB--but that quickly turned to angst when I realized who he was and how many friends we had in common. And then I got kinda sad, that such a good looking chill guy was on the DL because he was in ____ frat and on ____team.

But mainly I wanted to fuck him. So of course yours truly puts off meeting up for two days til Thursday when I was done with class for the week and could actually worry about, you know, sex. I ran around like an idiot getting TWO kinds of condoms and lube and some beers in the kind of euphoric, anxious mood we all get in when we know (or think) we are getting some.

Cut to the chase...he wasn't online that night. OR for the next nine days. It felt like blue balls in perpetuity. Finally, on a sunday earlier this month, he was back. I we quickly started chatting and decided he would come over. From our talks, it seemed like he knew what he was doing...a top (duh, aren't all the athletes?) and asked if i had supplies, when I was tested, etc etc.

So he comes over...and I get awkward. I ended a year long relationship this summer and have still be residually messed up over that, plus I felt weird having this kid here and knowing who he was. I was down to chill out and watch tv or something but he immediately takes off his hoodie and shoes and sits on the bed. We briefly briefly make small talk and next thing he's kissing me and taking off my shirt.

Red flag numero uno--BAD, bad kisser. It was like my fucking pug was nibbling my face or something. I tried to give a little tongue but it felt like trying to open an elevator door with a spatula (ie, not happening). Then we start undressing and my brain is telling me to put my foot down but suddenly...

we were naked and his dick was in my mouth. Ok, I guess I can deal, I thought. He shoved me back on the bed and started kissing me again and like dry humping me (uh alright). Then he asks me If I'm OK. "

"Yeah," I reply. And he does this little reach around manouver with his hand trying to get me hard...but I'm not into it since it's been all of 7 minutes AND he's treating my dick like it's a piece of taffy. He asks AGAIN if I'm OK...I reply yes and ask why, he says I looked pained. (NO FUCKING WAY!) So I say some BS about not having done this in a while (oh well there was that orgy in NY...another post for that).

I ask HIM if he's ok and he says he's having second thoughts. That it's not me, hookups weird him out, etc. He gets dressed, apologizes, and bounces. After getting dressed and pacing anxiously I check my phone--he blocked me on Grindr! I guess it made sense given that he must have been mortified.

So after a weird day, I resolve to get over it. Clearly he has issues even though he seemed into me, though it still felt like a blow to my self esteem. I went to LA the next weekend and took some E and suddenly my life was perfect!

Well, it's been 3 weeks now and still bothering me. In a Vyvanse-enabled trance for midterms, I posted an ad on Craigslist looking to see if he was out there. Sure enough he replied BUT...killer catch...he didn't think he was the guy I was looking for.

So I replied nicely...and still no response. He is clearly still looking for random hookups given that he has a fake email for CL ads AND just created a manhunt profile (where he says he's looking for dating among other things...huh?) And yours truly doesn't have a response. Did he want a handwritten note, cause my stationary is kinda expensive.

That's where we stand now...what say you (all zero readers)? Am I a total whackjob, or does this kid have problems? I'm not a therapist but I definitely am horny. And this campus is in a constant drought of hot guys.

Sorry this was so long...another issue--I can go on and on and on...so SKIM if you're the illiterate type who just wants pics of hot guys.

welcome

soooo...i made this blog title a while ago. like, middle of high school (which was years ago in case you're wondering). and i never actually posted anything. I think it was supposed to be about how jaded I was back then or some shit. you're probably thinking, who the fuck is this dude and i'm actually thinking the same.

a little tryhard for high school, no? but i came back to blogger tonight itching to start one and i realized this title was actually kind of apropos for my life right now. i'm a senior in college at a prestigious university located near a major city but in the burbs. i'm a little too grown up for my own good and that gets me in to trouble. from the East Coast, went to boarding school in New England, and sometimes run in that annoying college crowd of kids with too much money (you know, the ones who book a flight to Hawaii last minute in February because they're having issues with the cold and homework. tear. give me a fucking break).

i know exactly what i want to do and where i'm going after this year, and it's a pretty glamorous destination. so why the angst? well, i'm gay and hate most of the guys here. and though i have a good amount of friends and have fun with them, i feel lonely a lot.

am i really jaded? a list of things i did today, in no particular order. you tell me

-ate a bagel

-took two exams

-got my hair cut

-slept four hours (coming down from a Vyvanse semi-all nighter)

-refreshed my fake email account 8 million times to see if that hot closeted guy i sort of hooked up with has replied. that shit got awkward and it's worthy of its own post so i'll leave it at that

-took some notes in bio class. insects, right on

-fell asleep on a bus

-fantasized about the really expensive watch i'm getting for my birthday which is soon

so yeah. maybe not jaded yet. actually sounds pretty normal college now that i wrote it out. but there's lots more to come including....get ready for it...hot closeted guys, my summer (sex)capades, a rave I went to a few weeks ago in LA, how fucked up (or amazing) my life is, etcetera. only problem is that I'M my only reader so for now it'll be a diary. maybe some people will find this funny, or relate, and if so, great.

for now enjoy the chop suey background and this archival HOT bruce weber abercrombie portrait. fuck gay porn, the late 90s b+w scene is where it's at. it's never too early to say HAPPY HOLIDAYS, it fucking feels like december outside.